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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that professional help might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.